LIFE IN ARIZONA -CANCER AND THOUGHTS ON MORTALITY

Two owls that live in a vacant Joshua tree area close to the golf course hoot softly as tendrils of lavender and russet streak through the dusky skies of our summer sunsets; such is the quality of color and sound when dozens - sometimes hundreds - of birds and bats rejoice in mid-air to witness it.

This is a curious place, the Southwest, where intense dry heat recedes into a warm, not unpleasant evening allowing us to sit and appreciate the beauty of our garden and the silvery crisscrossing jet tails that fill the sky.

I have witnessed moist pine groves sheltering villages at the summit of low hills; I have seen sunsets in secluded islands as village fishermen confront brightly lit coral reefs with unusual netting traps but I had never beheld a painted nightfall of so many hues while the ever present coyotes howl in unison under a giant rising moon.

I have been blessed with a wonderful life partner, three great children and two glorious granddaughters. 

My husband is my greatest source of strength and whatever unhappiness I may have known before I met him, has been worth it when the payoff in my future was a man like him.

To remind myself of the insights I’ve gained with time, I temporarily adopt an outsider’s perspective, stepping outside of myself to carefully consider how my life in the present differs from the range of flips and turns I lived through in the past.

I know my strengths, capacities, and inner qualities which help me accept who I am today, that the basic person that was in me before is still here although transformed. My attitudes, opinions, and values have now somewhat become more relaxed and tolerant; these variations can be ascribed to my willingness to accept that I still have much to learn.

Having difficulty giving  myself credit for these changes, I think about the goals I have met, the lives I may  have touched, the wisdom I acquired, and the level of enlightenment I have attained over the past years.

Evolution is a natural fact of life and becomes a potent motivational force when celebrated, and I do celebrate the changes in me. Knowing that I am, stronger, and more grounded than I once was, I can look forward to the changes to come. By acknowledging my growth, I can build a strong foundation upon which I can continue a disease-free path well into the future.

If I live long enough, I can look back and see this day as another stepping stone in my search for survival.

Today I’ve had my 24^th radiation treatment. I feel exhausted but I keep going taking little catnaps and rests along the way.