UNCERTAINTY

 I'm here again without knowledge of what to do, how to proceed or where to turn. I can't get clear answers. Doctors, most people -don't really know much. We are the ones who truly guide our fate, the ones who know how we feel, what fears we harbor. Maybe we are too hung up with numbers, such as the 27.29 carcinogen marker blood test. The last time I was tested the markers had gone up and that disappointed me, scared me, left me flat after trying powerful and expensive alternative and conventional treatments.
They tell us the sky is blue and that grass is green but how many possibilities are there in that? They tell me I have cancer and so I fight a faceless enemy, I can't see or feel it or be sure of its power.  

I feel well, I’m not in pain. But everything I do, in spite of that, is knowing that I am a host to cancer. Knowledge is power, they say, but in this case, this challenger in my body weighs me down conflicting my mind, crowding my subconscious, impeding my enjoyment of life. 

While in the shower the other night, an insight into how my life used to be as a carefree woman -looking forward to sage years of mature motherhood, grand-parenthood and married female-hood- seemed ions away. The light feeling of a future of health and wholeness -even though uncertain, as most futures are- is gone from me, the feeling of low maintenance or‘pick up and go’, things I took for granted, are gone. 

Cancer changes all that.
My priority now is ME, my nutrition, building up my immune system, and having a positive  mind.                                           

Life is still good, I'm not saying otherwise. I'm alive! But I now carry the knowledge that my life span has limitations; I still however, don't know when the end will come. I should remember that and live accordingly.                                                                                                                                                            

LIFE IN ARIZONA -I'M HERE TODAY - Thoughts on Going On

There’s uneasiness as I appraise my life and what lies ahead.  I expect a happening, an event, something extraordinary, a transformation. I’m expecting my natural treatments to be working as I focus on rationality rather than the confusion of the ‘what ifs’ that emerge in my head.

Focusing on the spiritual helps soothe my mind, knowing that mind in balance allows me to perceive disease and its management in a clearer way.

Being present in the now is a difficult challenge to sustain, keeping my mind present -neither looking forward nor looking back- is hard! 

The reality of ‘now’ calls me to place my undivided attention on the present, this time of ‘right now’ that escapes through my fingers like sand in an hourglass.

I find that deep controlled breathing and meditation have healing effects, even though I'm always trying to bring my capricious wandering mind back to the main thought or idea.

My personal mantra, that one voice that provides my brain with healing, balance and restoration- is an important plan that I am careful to observe whenever I need to still myself.

Focusing on the present time, the only time we have for sure, really, allows me to uphold serenity, tranquility… steadiness in the belief that I can control what happens within me right now.

I am present today among saguaro cacti and deeply sea-blue skies. Being present helps me to continue going forward -accepting what every second brings. When I am focused, I believe I can do it all and that I have the power to control my life; control disease.

I am present –now- liking the comforting life force that shows up as it takes up residence on the center of my forehead -the seat of my soul that allows the essence of light that is me- to cultivate the potential within.