UNCERTAINTY

 I'm here again without knowledge of what to do, how to proceed or where to turn. I can't get clear answers. Doctors, most people -don't really know much. We are the ones who truly guide our fate, the ones who know how we feel, what fears we harbor. Maybe we are too hung up with numbers, such as the 27.29 carcinogen marker blood test. The last time I was tested the markers had gone up and that disappointed me, scared me, left me flat after trying powerful and expensive alternative and conventional treatments.
They tell us the sky is blue and that grass is green but how many possibilities are there in that? They tell me I have cancer and so I fight a faceless enemy, I can't see or feel it or be sure of its power.  

I feel well, I’m not in pain. But everything I do, in spite of that, is knowing that I am a host to cancer. Knowledge is power, they say, but in this case, this challenger in my body weighs me down conflicting my mind, crowding my subconscious, impeding my enjoyment of life. 

While in the shower the other night, an insight into how my life used to be as a carefree woman -looking forward to sage years of mature motherhood, grand-parenthood and married female-hood- seemed ions away. The light feeling of a future of health and wholeness -even though uncertain, as most futures are- is gone from me, the feeling of low maintenance or‘pick up and go’, things I took for granted, are gone. 

Cancer changes all that.
My priority now is ME, my nutrition, building up my immune system, and having a positive  mind.                                           

Life is still good, I'm not saying otherwise. I'm alive! But I now carry the knowledge that my life span has limitations; I still however, don't know when the end will come. I should remember that and live accordingly.